Your friend asks you to go to an event next week when your schedule’s already jam-packed. A family member asks for another quick favor that sounds 0% fun. Your boss sends an email asking if you can squeeze one more deadline onto your plate. In all these scenarios, your mind says, “I do not want to do that,” but your mouth somehow throws out a peppy, “I’d love to.” And now your peace is disrupted and you’re feeling a little bit of dread, wondering how it’s all going to get done. 

Why Do We Say Yes When We Don't Want To?

For most of us, saying yes happens because we don’t want to let other people down. We want to show up, offer help, and make the load lighter for others. What can inadvertently happen is that we weigh ourselves down in the process. “People worry that if they say no, then that other person might be upset with them. So, they say yes, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires,” explains Jennifer Kelman, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker and relationship expert for JustAnswer. “The balance becomes how to figure out satisfying both the person asking and also yourself.” 

She adds that when we say yes to things when we really want to say no, we lose our sense of self, and we may feel depressed and anxious when we give over to someone else's needs or desires. And in some cases, you may know deep inside what the true answer is, but being unable to advocate for yourself in the moment can give way to feelings of anxiety, sadness, and even resentment or anger.

The Cost of Saying Yes When We Mean No 

• Emotional exhaustion
• Feeling overwhelmed or stretched thin
• Eroded self-trust
• Stress and anxiety 
• Eventual burnout 
• Experiencing anger or resentment
• Feeling trapped 
• Physical symptoms like tension or fatigue
• Difficulty setting boundaries in the future
• Strained relationships
  
  

What Happens When You Start Saying No

Learning to say no is a muscle you need to flex in order to get good at it—and it’s probably not going to be easy the first handful of times you do it. In fact, it may never be completely easy for you, but your mind and body will slowly begin recognizing that sometimes a clear, firm no is the right choice. 

You Realize It’s Going to Be Fine

“Over time, you find out the world does not blow up, it's actually OK, and your fear and guilt at saying no decreases,” says Gail Saltz, PhD, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital and host of the How Can I Help? podcast. “I'm not advocating for having everything become no. But really what matters is not giving an instant yes.” 

For example, sometimes it makes sense to say yes to things we don’t necessarily want to do, like making time for a friend, helping a family member in true need, or getting to the gym. What we should be doing, Dr. Saltz says, is taking a beat and evaluating all aspects of what it means to say yes or no. Only then make a thoughtful and rational choice. Taking that time will help you become better at saying no when things don't feel aligned, and yes to things that feel right.